for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
