you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
