the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
