And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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