The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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