I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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