I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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