I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
