hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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