My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
