I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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