Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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