A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
