I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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