Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
