theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How does one acquire holy water?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
