im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
