We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
