11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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