Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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