I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
