I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
