Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
