just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
