apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
