just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
