he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
