Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
