i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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