420 ftw
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I think i got beer on your cat.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
