there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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