I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
