Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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