I would go down on you faster than GM stock
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
