I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
