tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
