Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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