I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
