I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
