Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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