Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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