Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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