Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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