i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
