32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
