Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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