If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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