There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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