He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
