I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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