yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
