I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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