So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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